5 Lies That Lead to an Affair

My life had become a nightmare. Practically overnight, since I’d admitted having an affair to my husband, I’d lost everything. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t get off the treadmill of fear, shame, and despair. The hours, days and weeks dragged on as I waited for the pain of colossal regret to subside.
I was the last person anyone would have expected, including myself, to commit such a life-shattering sin. I’d been educated in a Christian school, memorized hundreds of scriptures, and had been involved in ministry for years. I had an earnest desire to please God, and I continuously sought to develop my personal relationship with Him. Having an affair, in my opinion, was one of the worst things a believer could do.
My experience taught me that no matter how sincere our faith or how pure our intentions, an affair can happen to any of us. None of us will ever reach a level of spiritual maturity where we can relax and trust our flesh. Scripture warns us that “the flesh is weak” (Mt. 26:41) and that Satan lies in wait to trip us up (1 Pet. 5:8). If King David, the “man after [God’s] own heart” (1 Sam. 13:14), fell into adultery, can we consider ourselves immune to the temptation?
Fortunately, there are ways we can guard ourselves against an affair. The first step is to recognize the lies Satan plants in our minds that may propel us in that direction. Here are five falsehoods that Satan used to lead me down the path toward adultery …and the truths that eventually set me free.
Lie #1: What I think about doesn’t matter as long as don’t act on it.
My life seemed too ordinary, especially compared to the movies and romance novels I took in. To escape the monotony, I began indulging in private fantasies. Passion, mystery, and physical beauty were at my beck and call—I just needed to use a little imagination.
Although these fantasies charged me up emotionally and fed the fire of lust with exhilarating and forbidden pleasures, I did not believe they were a threat to my spiritual growth, relationships, and ministry. No one knew. No one would get hurt …or so I thought.
The Truth: Our thoughts become our actions.
Few people fall into adultery overnight. As with other “big” sins, having an affair is usually the result of a series of small compromises in our thoughts, choices, and behaviors.
At first, my thoughts about the fantasy men I encountered in books, magazines, and movies seemed harmless. But these thoughts soon became a trap. Like a forest fire, the lust they stirred up required more and more fuel until feeding it consumed most of my time and energy. When I wasn’t fantasizing, my life was colorless. I became more self-centered, detached from my family, and cold toward my husband. Pretty soon, other little compromises in my behavior didn’t seem so bad.
It took many years before my conscience was desensitized enough for me to give in to an affair. But it did eventually happen. From the ashes that remained, I learned the truth of Jas. 1:15: “After desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” Ultimately, my fantasies about other men led me into an affair that contributed to the death of a marriage.
Lie #2: I would be happier with someone else.
Because of his job, recreational activities, and the time he spent with “the guys,” my husband wasn’t home much. When he was home, his attention was riveted to the TV. I was extremely lonely, and I resented his lack of attention to our family and me. We had married at a young age, and I wondered if I had missed something better.
I frequently dwelled upon my dissatisfaction with my marriage. Constantly comparing my spouse to fictional men gave me a deeply critical spirit, so that nothing he did was good enough. I expected him to make me happy, and I felt sorry for myself when he disappointed me. Surely other men would treat me better, I thought. To soothe my self-pity, I escaped deeper into inappropriate thoughts, relishing attention from other men.
The Truth: Only Jesus can satisfy me.
As I got to know these men, I discovered that they weren’t the Hollywood lovers I had envisioned. Each had his own set of weaknesses and character flaws (just like me). I was searching for satisfaction in the wrong place.
Jesus conversed once with a woman who had gone through five husbands and was living with a boyfriend. Apparently she was still looking for that “perfect someone” to fill the void in her life. Jesus told her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst” (Jn. 4:13-14). He knew that human relationships—emotional or sexual—would never satisfy her longings. True satisfaction was only found in the love that He offered.
I’ve finally landed on the truth: I would be happier with Someone other than my earthly mate. I’m happiest when I cultivate a relationship with the One who made me—heart longings and all. As I have basked consistently in the verses about Jesus’ love for me and my unexplainable worth to Him, I have discovered true soul satisfaction for the first time in my life. Jesus is everything I was really looking for all along.
Lie #3: Life is passing me by; I deserve something better.
When I sensed my youth waving good-bye in my late 20s, I panicked. I deserve more than this, I thought, and pretty soon it’s going to be too late to find it! I was sure that I was a much better wife than my husband deserved, and I believed that some more compatible guy would jump at the chance to love me. I couldn’t stand the thought that I might never be happy and fulfilled (by my own definition) in this life. All the people in the movies found their perfect matches; I wanted to discover the “happily ever after” I deserved too.
The Truth: I’ve already received more than I deserve.
My affair showed me how wrong I was about myself. I wasn’t good. I didn’t deserve better. I didn’t even deserve a second chance. The good news is that God “does not treat us as our sins deserve” (Ps. 103:10). He offers me second chances not because I deserve them, but because of the amazing grace of Jesus.
Through Christ, I will experience happily ever after, but it won’t come until heaven. In the meantime He wants me to choose something better than earthly pleasure—intimacy with Him (see Lk. 10:38-42). Now the only time I feel that life is passing me by is when I am not pursuing a daily love relationship with Jesus. This relationship sparks passion and adventure as I discover His purpose for my life.
Lie #4: When others pay attention to me, it’s because they think I’m special.
Getting attention from men has intoxicated me since youth. I craved the sense of power and self-worth it gave me. When I felt discouraged or neglected by my husband, I turned to other men for comfort and reassurance. I knew how to lure the attention of almost any guy—single or married. The more men who showed interest in me, the better I felt about myself. In my mind they only flattered and admired me because I was special.
The Truth: People often use flattery to get what they want.
After my divorce, this fascination with men clung to me like a pesky bug. I feared that it would accompany me to the grave. As I had done many times before, I asked God to take this temptation away. But this time I meant it—I lived in the wake of its destruction.
Then I met a man—a gorgeous, smooth, successful man, the kind I would normally find irresistible—while on vacation. He pursued me with the most romantic words and behaviors a woman could stand without melting. It was just like Hollywood.
Suddenly it dawned on me: The attention he was giving me wasn’t about me. It was about sex and lust and greed. I wasn’t special to him: I was just another potential conquest. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, using attention and flattery to get what he wanted from me. The Apostle Paul described similar men in Ro. 16:18: “For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people” (emphasis mine).
I began to realize that someone who truly valued me would uphold my spiritual health, not feed my vanity or take advantage of my emotional holes. There is nothing wrong with sincere compliments, but the admiration I find most meaningful now is when someone notices that I am developing Christlikeness.
Lie #5: I can get away with sin.
During my affair, I thought I could avoid the consequences of my sin. Since the “axe” I was expecting from heaven didn’t drop right away, I figured my sin must not be that big of a deal to God. He would forgive me when I decided to repent, so what was the hurry? I would just live out my fantasies for a while, and when I was ready, I would get my life back on track. No one—including my husband—would have to know what I’d done.
The Truth: God will expose my sin.
I may have concealed my affair from others for a time, but I was only kidding myself if I thought God wasn’t paying attention.
Scripture tells us, “You may be sure that your sin will find you out” (Num. 32:23). God orchestrated some amazing events to expose my sin because He loved me too much to leave me on a path of destruction. He knew that if my sin remained hidden I would never see how ugly it was to Him, and I would never understand how much it hurt my husband, my children, and myself. Fear that someone would discover this repugnant, rotting sin in my spiritual closet would keep me from experiencing true freedom. Any relationship with my spouse (or a future spouse) would be hindered, and a wall would stand between me and God.
Bringing my adultery into the light hurt initially. God showed me that true repentance meant confessing my affair to my husband, whom I had wronged (see Mt. 5:23-24). I was humiliated and ashamed. But when I owned up to my sin, God began to turn the ashes of my life into beauty. He taught me that the only sins Satan can use against me are the ones I hide. Now I’m free to experience the peace that comes from being honest with other believers.
My affair has also opened doors for ministry. Hearing my testimony has given many people the courage to share their struggles with me so that I might help them overcome the lies of Satan.
The process back to wholeness was long and hard, but God’s life-changing truth has totally healed me. The woman I see in the mirror today is a new person—peaceful, satisfied, and more aware of the lies Satan may use to lead me astray. Now, whenever I am tempted by errant thoughts, I stop and replace them with truth. I have also given a few close friends permission to ask me questions and hold me accountable to living out these truths. Above all, I seek to remember that only Jesus, the living water, can fill my deepest longings to be loved and valued.

Culled

BROKEN COURTSHIP IS BETTER THAN BROKEN MARRIAGE

A successful marriage is created by two people, a man and a woman who loves each other and is prepared to work hard to preserve and protect their marriage. The keyword here is, two people, it takes two to make marriage work.
No man or woman can love an unwilling spouse enough to make him/her commit to their marriage.the love, commitment, loyalty, fidelity etc must be given willingly and this is the lesson that can be derived from courtship.
Courtship is not the same as marriage, no matter how long the courtship last. The sole reason for courtship is to find out whether you are compatible with the person you are dating and if you find out that the two of you are incompatible, you must break up the relationship immediately. The fact that a courtship ends in marriage does not mean that it is successful.
A courtship is successful if you find out that you are compatible and then marry each other or if you find out that two of you are incompatible, you break up the relationship, thereby freeing each other to continue the search for the right partner.
If during courtship, a couple discovers that they are incompatible and one partner cajoles the other person not to break up the relationship or one person decides to manage the other person, it will be extremely difficult for them to have a good marriage. Marriage will not erase incompatibility rather it will magnify it!
The same reasons why courtship should have ended are the same reasons why the marriage will end.
I also want to advice that people should not go into marriage with a desire to change the other person. Before marriage, you have to accept the other person for whom he/she is and if you honestly have to change the person before you can have a good marriage, then he/she is not the right one for you. Also, while it is very important that the family of the person you are dating likes you, you must remember that you are not marrying his/her family. If his/her family loves you but the person does not, the marriage will not work, is as good as a dead rat.

LOVE TERMINATION AT CHRISTMAS 3

For many people the worst part of dating is having to decide whether the potential exists for a brilliant relationship. A person who is dating and looking for a partner to share the rest of their life is caught between the rock (not wanting to continue a relationship that has no chance for success) and the hard place (not wanting to miss a great partner because of a rocky start in their relationship).
In this five part series we're examining:
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
In the first two installments we looked at how six months is generally a good exploration period, and when the six month rule does not apply.
Idea Number Three
How about if the chemistry between you and the other person doesn't appear in the first six months? Should you then say that that chemistry is probably not going to appear?
I believe that chemistry between two people is absolutely essential to the success of their eventual marriage. You must not get married to someone with whom you don't have that strong desire to touch them, to hold their hand, to have your arm around them, to kiss them, to whatever with them. You need to have that passion and that chemistry.
People say sometimes, "This is the perfect person, but we just don't have that much chemistry in relation to each other. What should we do?" Well you can do one of two things. You can wait longer and see if it develops or you can call it quits now. They always say, "How long should we wait?" My suggestion to them is you can wait as long as you have time to wait, but there's always a risk in the longer you wait.

LOVE TERMINATION AT CHRISTMAS 2

Terminating a relationship—a romantic relationship—successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough—that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality—that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
In the first part of this five part series we talked about using six months as a general guide for determining how long to work on a new relationship. I believe that, after six months, if things aren't working they probably never will.
Idea Number Two

If the two of you have had some very stormy times you probably don't even need to wait six months. Long enough is long enough when indeed something very unacceptable has happened between the two of you. And what is this unacceptable thing?
First of all, if physical abuse has taken place between the two of you in a dating relationship, think about how much more likely then physical abuse is going to be a part of any future relationship. About the time there is physical abuse between you and a person you are dating, I say back away from that relationship. That's long enough.
I don't condone any kind of physical abuse. In fact, I do a lot of work on radio and television having to do with anger mismanagement and I say to spouses all the time, "If your spouse abuses you, you call 911 and report your spouse." Report this person you're dating.

I don't care if it's a woman or a man because what we know is that the likelihood of repeating abuse in the future is great if indeed there is no intervention by a legal authority. If there is intervention by a legal authority we have so much better chance of rectifying the situation and making it unlikely it will happen again.
If between you and the other person there is loud yelling, I say, I don't like that. As a matter of fact, if I got into a situation with someone in which yelling got out of control, I would wonder if long enough is already long enough. Belligerent behavior of any kind is unacceptable, like intimidation: "If you don't do that, I promise you I'm going to do this to you." I mean, I don't like intimidation like that. That might make me think, "This marriage is going to have a lot of trouble should we ever get married." I might want to back away from that relationship pretty fast.
While I believe that anger mismanagement can be significantly changed, experiences of this mismanagement usually do tremendous damage to a couple's trust level, and repeated experiences are nearly impossible to overcome.
So, if you're in a relationship right now in which there is any physical abuse, in which there is this kind of loud yelling, or in which you feel fearful for your own safety at times and the other person is intimidating, I say it has been long enough. I just want you to move away from that situation as quickly and as well as you can. There's so much likelihood that not only will it continue, but also it will continue on a more frequent basis should you get married.


CULLED

LOVE TERMINATION AT CHRISTMAS

THE BEST TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP &

¤ IS ON A CHRISTMAS DAY.

You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
 When is long enough long enough?
 How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.
Idea Number One

When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.

Terminate it on a Christmas day and go with the joy that follows.

It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
 How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
 How dependent are you on this other person?
 How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?
If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."
People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."
I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.
One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.
Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.
I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."
Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.
There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.

REMEMBER THE BEST TIME TO DO THAT BUT LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOUR SELF
(Culled)

FINDING LOVE ONLINE

I know a lot of people are skeptical about finding love on line, but I'm here to tell you, it works. The thing I like the best is that you can screen your applicants before you go on the first date. That doesn't mean they are all truthful, but at least you get a good idea of what kind of person they are. I’ve done a lot of online dating, and I'm happy to say, I found love on line. We met for the first time 5 years ago when he answered my personal profile. We dated for about 6 weeks when I decided I wasn't ready, so it ended. I continued to date but I never forgot him. I knew from the first date that I could fall hard so I cut my losses and ran. I was out of an 8 year relationship less than a year so my heart was still mending. Then, after two years, our paths crossed again. He had been playing in a band and traveling the United States and I was coming out of a year and a half relationship. It only lasted 2 weeks the second time. He wasn't ready and I was rebounding so we went our separate ways, again. Life continued and another year came and went. Then, our paths crossed yet one more time. We were both seeing other people, but the fact that the Universe brought us together again had to mean something.
We decided that the third time was a charm. I’m happy to say, we have been a couple for 2 years next month and we moved in together. I love him more than words can say and I'm hoping that this will finally be my Happily Ever After. What about you? Do you believe in fate?

THE EMOTIONAL FEVER

Do you remember your first love? The guy or girl that stole your heart and gave you goose pimple when you were together? How do you explain love and heartache to your child? I remember in high school, everything revolved around boys. Your first date, kiss, and sexual encounter. As a parent, how do you step back and let your child take that leap without having a net to catch them when they fall? My oldest fell in love at 15. We would battle constantly over computer and phone time as the world stopped if he wasnt either talking to her via phone or conversing over the computer with Debbie. Relationships end but seeing my son go thru the pain for heartache was pretty hard to take. I can remember him sulking around the house carrying that stupid phone.
He looked like a lost puppy dog on the verge of tears. I explained to him that it was going to be OK, this wasn't the only girl he would love in his life, and that time heals all wounds. His response, "I know Mom but I just wish she would CALLLLLLLLL"....I wanted to cry. It finally ended 2 years down the road but not without alot of tears,heartache, and multiple break ups.We as parents can only teach our children what we know. At some point, you have to step back and let them deal with things as a person. Ive had my heart broken more than once and Ive done the breaking a couple of times myself. In the end, you just have to learn from your mistakes and grow from the experience. You can tell your child until your blue in the face that love hurts sometimes and that heartache is real, but until they experience it on their own, what you say to them is only words. My youngest son is a little slower getting started on the love front and I must say, I'm a bit thankful for that. Maybe the girl he's been holding out for will be the one he lives happily ever after with. Ya, I know, the chances of that are slim but a mother can dream, cant she?