For many people the worst part of dating is having to decide whether the potential exists for a brilliant relationship. A person who is dating and looking for a partner to share the rest of their life is caught between the rock (not wanting to continue a relationship that has no chance for success) and the hard place (not wanting to miss a great partner because of a rocky start in their relationship).
In this five part series we're examining:
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
In the first two installments we looked at how six months is generally a good exploration period, and when the six month rule does not apply.
Idea Number Three
How about if the chemistry between you and the other person doesn't appear in the first six months? Should you then say that that chemistry is probably not going to appear?
I believe that chemistry between two people is absolutely essential to the success of their eventual marriage. You must not get married to someone with whom you don't have that strong desire to touch them, to hold their hand, to have your arm around them, to kiss them, to whatever with them. You need to have that passion and that chemistry.
People say sometimes, "This is the perfect person, but we just don't have that much chemistry in relation to each other. What should we do?" Well you can do one of two things. You can wait longer and see if it develops or you can call it quits now. They always say, "How long should we wait?" My suggestion to them is you can wait as long as you have time to wait, but there's always a risk in the longer you wait.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
LOVE TERMINATION AT CHRISTMAS 2
Terminating a relationship—a romantic relationship—successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough—that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality—that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
In the first part of this five part series we talked about using six months as a general guide for determining how long to work on a new relationship. I believe that, after six months, if things aren't working they probably never will.
Idea Number Two
If the two of you have had some very stormy times you probably don't even need to wait six months. Long enough is long enough when indeed something very unacceptable has happened between the two of you. And what is this unacceptable thing?
First of all, if physical abuse has taken place between the two of you in a dating relationship, think about how much more likely then physical abuse is going to be a part of any future relationship. About the time there is physical abuse between you and a person you are dating, I say back away from that relationship. That's long enough.
I don't condone any kind of physical abuse. In fact, I do a lot of work on radio and television having to do with anger mismanagement and I say to spouses all the time, "If your spouse abuses you, you call 911 and report your spouse." Report this person you're dating.
I don't care if it's a woman or a man because what we know is that the likelihood of repeating abuse in the future is great if indeed there is no intervention by a legal authority. If there is intervention by a legal authority we have so much better chance of rectifying the situation and making it unlikely it will happen again.
If between you and the other person there is loud yelling, I say, I don't like that. As a matter of fact, if I got into a situation with someone in which yelling got out of control, I would wonder if long enough is already long enough. Belligerent behavior of any kind is unacceptable, like intimidation: "If you don't do that, I promise you I'm going to do this to you." I mean, I don't like intimidation like that. That might make me think, "This marriage is going to have a lot of trouble should we ever get married." I might want to back away from that relationship pretty fast.
While I believe that anger mismanagement can be significantly changed, experiences of this mismanagement usually do tremendous damage to a couple's trust level, and repeated experiences are nearly impossible to overcome.
So, if you're in a relationship right now in which there is any physical abuse, in which there is this kind of loud yelling, or in which you feel fearful for your own safety at times and the other person is intimidating, I say it has been long enough. I just want you to move away from that situation as quickly and as well as you can. There's so much likelihood that not only will it continue, but also it will continue on a more frequent basis should you get married.
CULLED
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough—that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality—that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
In the first part of this five part series we talked about using six months as a general guide for determining how long to work on a new relationship. I believe that, after six months, if things aren't working they probably never will.
Idea Number Two
If the two of you have had some very stormy times you probably don't even need to wait six months. Long enough is long enough when indeed something very unacceptable has happened between the two of you. And what is this unacceptable thing?
First of all, if physical abuse has taken place between the two of you in a dating relationship, think about how much more likely then physical abuse is going to be a part of any future relationship. About the time there is physical abuse between you and a person you are dating, I say back away from that relationship. That's long enough.
I don't condone any kind of physical abuse. In fact, I do a lot of work on radio and television having to do with anger mismanagement and I say to spouses all the time, "If your spouse abuses you, you call 911 and report your spouse." Report this person you're dating.
I don't care if it's a woman or a man because what we know is that the likelihood of repeating abuse in the future is great if indeed there is no intervention by a legal authority. If there is intervention by a legal authority we have so much better chance of rectifying the situation and making it unlikely it will happen again.
If between you and the other person there is loud yelling, I say, I don't like that. As a matter of fact, if I got into a situation with someone in which yelling got out of control, I would wonder if long enough is already long enough. Belligerent behavior of any kind is unacceptable, like intimidation: "If you don't do that, I promise you I'm going to do this to you." I mean, I don't like intimidation like that. That might make me think, "This marriage is going to have a lot of trouble should we ever get married." I might want to back away from that relationship pretty fast.
While I believe that anger mismanagement can be significantly changed, experiences of this mismanagement usually do tremendous damage to a couple's trust level, and repeated experiences are nearly impossible to overcome.
So, if you're in a relationship right now in which there is any physical abuse, in which there is this kind of loud yelling, or in which you feel fearful for your own safety at times and the other person is intimidating, I say it has been long enough. I just want you to move away from that situation as quickly and as well as you can. There's so much likelihood that not only will it continue, but also it will continue on a more frequent basis should you get married.
CULLED
Friday, October 17, 2008
LOVE TERMINATION AT CHRISTMAS
THE BEST TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP &
¤ IS ON A CHRISTMAS DAY.
You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.
Idea Number One
When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.
Terminate it on a Christmas day and go with the joy that follows.
It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
How dependent are you on this other person?
How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?
If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."
People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."
I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.
One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.
Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.
I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."
Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.
There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.
REMEMBER THE BEST TIME TO DO THAT BUT LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOUR SELF
(Culled)
¤ IS ON A CHRISTMAS DAY.
You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.
Idea Number One
When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.
Terminate it on a Christmas day and go with the joy that follows.
It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
How dependent are you on this other person?
How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?
If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."
People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."
I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.
One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.
Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.
I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."
Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.
There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.
REMEMBER THE BEST TIME TO DO THAT BUT LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOUR SELF
(Culled)
Friday, October 10, 2008
FINDING LOVE ONLINE
I know a lot of people are skeptical about finding love on line, but I'm here to tell you, it works. The thing I like the best is that you can screen your applicants before you go on the first date. That doesn't mean they are all truthful, but at least you get a good idea of what kind of person they are. I’ve done a lot of online dating, and I'm happy to say, I found love on line. We met for the first time 5 years ago when he answered my personal profile. We dated for about 6 weeks when I decided I wasn't ready, so it ended. I continued to date but I never forgot him. I knew from the first date that I could fall hard so I cut my losses and ran. I was out of an 8 year relationship less than a year so my heart was still mending. Then, after two years, our paths crossed again. He had been playing in a band and traveling the United States and I was coming out of a year and a half relationship. It only lasted 2 weeks the second time. He wasn't ready and I was rebounding so we went our separate ways, again. Life continued and another year came and went. Then, our paths crossed yet one more time. We were both seeing other people, but the fact that the Universe brought us together again had to mean something.
We decided that the third time was a charm. I’m happy to say, we have been a couple for 2 years next month and we moved in together. I love him more than words can say and I'm hoping that this will finally be my Happily Ever After. What about you? Do you believe in fate?
We decided that the third time was a charm. I’m happy to say, we have been a couple for 2 years next month and we moved in together. I love him more than words can say and I'm hoping that this will finally be my Happily Ever After. What about you? Do you believe in fate?
THE EMOTIONAL FEVER
Do you remember your first love? The guy or girl that stole your heart and gave you goose pimple when you were together? How do you explain love and heartache to your child? I remember in high school, everything revolved around boys. Your first date, kiss, and sexual encounter. As a parent, how do you step back and let your child take that leap without having a net to catch them when they fall? My oldest fell in love at 15. We would battle constantly over computer and phone time as the world stopped if he wasnt either talking to her via phone or conversing over the computer with Debbie. Relationships end but seeing my son go thru the pain for heartache was pretty hard to take. I can remember him sulking around the house carrying that stupid phone.
He looked like a lost puppy dog on the verge of tears. I explained to him that it was going to be OK, this wasn't the only girl he would love in his life, and that time heals all wounds. His response, "I know Mom but I just wish she would CALLLLLLLLL"....I wanted to cry. It finally ended 2 years down the road but not without alot of tears,heartache, and multiple break ups.We as parents can only teach our children what we know. At some point, you have to step back and let them deal with things as a person. Ive had my heart broken more than once and Ive done the breaking a couple of times myself. In the end, you just have to learn from your mistakes and grow from the experience. You can tell your child until your blue in the face that love hurts sometimes and that heartache is real, but until they experience it on their own, what you say to them is only words. My youngest son is a little slower getting started on the love front and I must say, I'm a bit thankful for that. Maybe the girl he's been holding out for will be the one he lives happily ever after with. Ya, I know, the chances of that are slim but a mother can dream, cant she?
He looked like a lost puppy dog on the verge of tears. I explained to him that it was going to be OK, this wasn't the only girl he would love in his life, and that time heals all wounds. His response, "I know Mom but I just wish she would CALLLLLLLLL"....I wanted to cry. It finally ended 2 years down the road but not without alot of tears,heartache, and multiple break ups.We as parents can only teach our children what we know. At some point, you have to step back and let them deal with things as a person. Ive had my heart broken more than once and Ive done the breaking a couple of times myself. In the end, you just have to learn from your mistakes and grow from the experience. You can tell your child until your blue in the face that love hurts sometimes and that heartache is real, but until they experience it on their own, what you say to them is only words. My youngest son is a little slower getting started on the love front and I must say, I'm a bit thankful for that. Maybe the girl he's been holding out for will be the one he lives happily ever after with. Ya, I know, the chances of that are slim but a mother can dream, cant she?
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